Wednesday, October 22, 2014

worn, body and soul.

i’m tired I’m worn
my heart is heavy
from the work it takes
to keep on breathing
i’ve made mistakes
i’ve let my hope fail
my soul feels crushed
by the weight of this world

Ever have those days where if you were to take a moment to stop and think about your life, you'd cry? Or more like, ever been so overwhelmed that you feel like crying, or yelling, or sleeping every other second of the day?

Well, today is one of those days (well, years) for me. I'd like to disappear for a long while. It's not just because school is overwhelming; there are so many other factors that add up to this acute feeling of being overrun. School + work + health + worrying + friends + ad infinitum.

I'm not trying to sound all Debbie Downer over here, but this is the place I find myself.

I worry/plan/stress, too much. I can say I’ve certainly gotten better at not worrying quite so much. But when life gets overwhelming, my old foe takes center stage once more.
Right now I’m wrestling with a particular situation that is, quite idiotically, causing me much worry. I’ve got this friend who, like me, is going through sophomore year in college. We’re both practically on the same page in life; working nearly full-time, saving up and paying for college out of pocket, both in sophomore year, and both incredibly overwhelmed with our current situation in life. I can’t say I’m much of an optimist, but I can say I know where my Hope comes from. And with this knowledge, I continually choose to look on the brighter side of life, to take that next step forward, to say to life do your worst. I’m not any less overwhelmed than my friend, but somehow I’ve plucked up a little more courage to get through (one semester at a time). This particular friend seems to have fallen into a bit of despair over the whole college “adventure”. They’ve still got a good measure of audacity left, and are keeping their head up as best they can; but they’re losing hope rapidly. I’ve been trying my best to encourage them as best as I’m able, for I’m in their exact same predicament. Yet the more I try and encourage, the more distant and rather despondent they get (or so it seems to me). I’ve got nothing encouraging left to say.
And herein lies the source of my worry. I’ve been praying for my friend daily, and when I see them in person I try my best to lift their spirits. But their present state is worrying me. I’m at the place where the best thing to do is just give them over to God, yet that’s really hard to do. Worrying helps me handle or control things (or so I try and tell myself). Gah, I want to be there for my friend, but I don’t know how to. This friend is not particularly receptive to my encouragement (of course it doesn't help that I can’t speak words in an eloquent form), and the more I see and talk with them the more distant they become.

And then that makes me feel like I'm not "enough" to be their friend; as in I'm not the "perfect friend" who would know exactly how to encourage them, would have the most splendiferous words to say, and would be all chummy n' stuff. I'm just not that. 

And that makes me overwhelmed.

But here’s me, giving it over to God. He’s got this, and I utterly don’t. A few lines somehow came together in my muddled brain this week that have been surprisingly encouraging:

i’m not alone in this fight
it’ll be all right
got to get back up
He is on my side

I won't be the perfect friend, I won't always have the right words to say; and I may lose friends and feel overwhelmed at the prospect of the present state of another friend, but through it all I have the choice to keep my head up. Because of my great Hope, I can say "send sickness, poverty, losses, crosses, persecution, whatever You will; You have forgiven me, and my soul is glad" (Charles Spurgeon).

There's a second part to the lyrics at the beginning of this post. The rest of the verse goes like this:

And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

That's all there is to it. I'm utterly, incredibly, acutely worn and weary. But I know that He can give me rest. And so with all that is in me, I cry out to Him. With all that I have left, I fall on my knees before His throne.

I may still be worn and weary at times, but i know that He is greater still.

All text © 2014 Footprints in the Sand; song lyrics: Worn by Tenth Avenue North | All Images © 2014 Charity Klicka Photography

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